Whims I would Indulge If I Were Filthy, Stinking Rich

I would take cabs whenever the heck I wanted to.

I would have a doctor nearby/on call to assuage my occasional fear that this or that is bound to develop into an enormous, cancerous lesion.

I would buy clothing that fit me well and looked good, instead of what I do now, which is buy stuff that WOULD look good, if it fit me well. It doesn't though, so I sometimes have to slouch a little or sit down.

I would give money to my friends and family, regularly. You can't just dole it out in one huge chunk, though, because they'd go crazy and drop it all on personal roller rinks.

I'd pay scientists to fix things that seem to make people miserable, like acne, cancer, STDs, loud things, mean dogs, emaciated actresses, SUVs, ATMs that don't work, bad smells, and barbecue flavored things.

I'd take drum lessons from Stewart Copeland.

I'd start a gym called The Damned Peace & Quiet Gym. You'd come there to work out and enjoy some damned peace and quiet instead of suffering in that thumping nightmare you currently call your gym. OOONTZ OOONTZ OOONTZ? No. (Thanks to Ryan for spelling out that sound.)

I'd also have the scientists work on helping me have an attention span greater than that of a chicken, in an effort to help me make longer and more informative posts.


Thanks to all who called in to my show this morning to let Brian Lee know that you miss me and appreciate him, etc. I'll be back on the air next week!