Online Dating #2
As I mentioned before, I've dabbled in online dating. I've met a few sweet-natured fellas. I've had a few disturbing emails. My good friend Ryan and I have shared a few details with each other about some of our creepier online interactions with potential dates.
Since I seemed to attract a few extraordinarily elegant communicators, we came up with a few rules we thought they might have benefitted from before going online.
Things Not To Say to Ladies That You're Chatting Up Online
* When the nice girl/lady tells you that she played flute for about 16 years, please do not ask her, "did you ever go to band camp?" The nice girl/lady understands your clever movie reference and hopes you do really well in your next relationship.
* Please don't say that you can't wait for me to meet your ex-girlfriend. That makes me feel squirmy.
* Please don't initiate contact by sending me a list of your requirements. A nice, young fella asked me to write back, but only if I possessed the following essentials:
1. nice teeth and preferably still in your mouth (looks like you are OK here)
2. no drugs that INCLUDES anti-psychosis and depression drugs (don't laugh you would be surprised)
3. doesn't post pics that were BEFORE the 80 pound weight gain incident
4. no stripping on the weekends "just because it's a great way to earn some extra money"
5. currently single (i.e. not seeing 1, 2 or even 3 other dudes simultaneously)
6. has a job other than the sub shop and a means of transportation other than a bicycle
7. has an education that would cause one to become bored working at the sub shop (again, your good here..go on to #8)
8. Currently kid-less and pretty much drama-less
There was a ninth item that said I must have drive, ambition and integrity. But that's hard to fit into my schedule of sub-making at the strip-joint. Especially when I have to ride my bike there. My two or three other boyfriends say I'm usually too hopped up on psychotropic drugs to actually drive and, besides, it's helping me take some of the baby weight off.
I believe that this man meant well and was just trying to be funny. I did not call him on the fact that he forgot to use a possessive in #7. I also did not write back anything mean. That was a bit of a challenge.
My next Online Dating entry should include some of the ghastly things I've written to men online. I'M SUAVE. And I live on Dork Street.
The next post is about mooooosic, I swear.
Since I seemed to attract a few extraordinarily elegant communicators, we came up with a few rules we thought they might have benefitted from before going online.
Things Not To Say to Ladies That You're Chatting Up Online
* When the nice girl/lady tells you that she played flute for about 16 years, please do not ask her, "did you ever go to band camp?" The nice girl/lady understands your clever movie reference and hopes you do really well in your next relationship.* Please don't say that you can't wait for me to meet your ex-girlfriend. That makes me feel squirmy.
* Please don't initiate contact by sending me a list of your requirements. A nice, young fella asked me to write back, but only if I possessed the following essentials:
1. nice teeth and preferably still in your mouth (looks like you are OK here)
2. no drugs that INCLUDES anti-psychosis and depression drugs (don't laugh you would be surprised)
3. doesn't post pics that were BEFORE the 80 pound weight gain incident
4. no stripping on the weekends "just because it's a great way to earn some extra money"
5. currently single (i.e. not seeing 1, 2 or even 3 other dudes simultaneously)
6. has a job other than the sub shop and a means of transportation other than a bicycle
7. has an education that would cause one to become bored working at the sub shop (again, your good here..go on to #8)
8. Currently kid-less and pretty much drama-less
There was a ninth item that said I must have drive, ambition and integrity. But that's hard to fit into my schedule of sub-making at the strip-joint. Especially when I have to ride my bike there. My two or three other boyfriends say I'm usually too hopped up on psychotropic drugs to actually drive and, besides, it's helping me take some of the baby weight off.
I believe that this man meant well and was just trying to be funny. I did not call him on the fact that he forgot to use a possessive in #7. I also did not write back anything mean. That was a bit of a challenge.
My next Online Dating entry should include some of the ghastly things I've written to men online. I'M SUAVE. And I live on Dork Street.The next post is about mooooosic, I swear.
posted by ThursdayJava @ 1:20 PM
6 Comments:
At 2:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
Here is a sampling of some of the other things that you should never say to a girl you're wooing online:
1. no ass jokes.
2. no fat jokes.
3. "i drive an suv!"
4. "i voted for bush."
5. i have an intimate relationship with my cat.
6. you should come over sometime and meet my ex-gf.
7. mom says another year or two and i can move from the basement to the attic.
8. you needed to roll a 6. your attack fails.
9. holy shit, i smoked this pot once so hard that i got like. stoned.
10. can you hang on a second? my ass itches.
11. lovely lady lumps.
12. i think you and i look very similar. we could be siblings.
13. have you met jesus
14. we have reservations friday at the chick-fil-a. wear something nice.
At 2:50 PM,
ThursdayJava said…
The ex girlfriend one is priceless. And popular. RYAN, PLEASE BE MY EX-GIRLFRIEND. wait. um.
At 3:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
That list guy was just training to be Frey or whatever from the smoking gun.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0217062contract1.html
At 7:21 PM,
EMS said…
I think you will definitely relate to my blog!!!
At 12:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
See it's odd...you're too pretty to be a radio star...
Most of the time...people in radio are way creepy and ugly.
At 9:17 AM,
ThursdayJava said…
I love it that blogger gives me the option to post a comment. "Would Sarah want to publish a comment in which someone says she's pretty? We must make sure. She must approve this comment." HA.
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